Early Morning Wine

It is currently 4:30a.m. This is pretty much considered a late night/early morning. See the thing is, I hate these type of nights/mornings because I tend to think twice as hard.  This time, I filled my empty stomach with some good wine and now, I feel good. I feel buzzed. Unfortunately, my mind is enhanced with toxins which allow me to think in many different ways.

Right now, I don’t know how I feel. Sad, happy, sad and happy? What is the word for that because that’s exactly how I feel.

A part of me is happy. I feel blessed for every good thing that has happened to me these past few months and honestly, it’s been a while since I’ve felt this way. I’m happy because I have friends who love and support me. I’m happy because for once in my life, I finally feel like I’m doing something for myself. I feel like I’m finally performing actions out of my own happiness and pleasing myself instead of pleasing others. I am content.

At the same time I’m sad because being this happy makes me feel like I should be sharing this feeling with the person who once made me happy.. Not like they matter anymore, right? It sucks feeling bad for feeling happy because there should be no reason to feel guilty if it’s for myself. I am also sad because a party of my still feels lost- as if I need closure with a few people.

but ya know what. it’s life.

Dear Peace,

It has been a while since I last wrote anything sentimental.  All I want is for there to be peace.  In other words, I want to release all the bad energy and toxins that I have recently dug up.  I want to be able to move on without feeling guilty about the things I do.  I want to finally feel free…

Over the past few years, life has been rough and it has been hard for me to talk, yet alone think about the bad decisions I have made. I feel as though I was meant to go through this path to learn from all the mistakes I should have made long ago or to undergo my long desires and experience the undesirable outcomes. Honestly, if I were meant to go through what I am going through, good or bad, I cannot stress enough how shitty it feels to go through them. To this day, I avoid ever thinking about my stupidity or the horrible things that happened to me. In fact, I sometimes forget that certain things ever happened. I have forgotten about the one horrible decision that ruined many friendships, I forget about the substances I have taken that got me into trouble, I forget that I have been touched unwillingly.. Sometimes I think that I have several episodes of amnesia because I tend to do things unconsciously. I believed that for years. However reminiscing the memories and feelings I felt, I came to the conclusion that I bury all these things to prevent myself from thinking about all the pain in order to feel numb. I forget everything I have done in the past in order to keep myself from completely losing who I am. No matter how shitty I feel, for the most part, I really try my best to keep a positive attitude and healthy mindset.

So I guess this is me apologizing to those I have hurt. I am sorry that I blamed being highly intoxicated as an excuse for my poor decisions. I am sorry for ever letting go of my integrity and disobeying my morals. I am sorry for blaming everyone else but myself to keep me from getting into trouble. I am sorry for ever building your trust only to give you a reason to no longer trust me. I am sorry for being selfish and unreliable.. I am sorry for disappointing all of you, who always believed in me and believed that I could succeed by my positive and faithful actions.  Looking back at the damages I have done, I am sorry and I feel sorry for myself for having to feel sorry about my poor choices.

(I could keep going on because there are many things I am sorry for and want to put at rest so if you feel the need to confront me about anything, please, step forward. I will try my best to communicate.)

On another note, thank you to those who continued to believe in me. Despite my imperfections, you continued to be by my side and helped me get through all of my hardships. Despite the disappointments, thank you for giving me a reason to feel like I deserve to remain in your presence. I cannot express how important you all are to me and how blessed I am to still have you in my life. You still being by my side will forever be the best gift I could ever receive so thank you. Thank you for opening your arms for me and thank you for loving me and allowing me to love you.

Thank you for giving me a reason to be alive and I am truly sorry to those I have failed.
(to be cont…)